When you are expecting a baby everyone focuses on what happens during the birth, but ladies, I don’t want to worry you but there is a whole load of things that you should know about after the birth too.

What to expect after birth

1. Pain

As if the pain of child brith isn’t enough, we also have to endure the after pains too. Yes you will feel like you are having the worst period pain you have ever had.

2. Toilet habbits

Ok how do I put this, going to the toilet is something that you are going to have to do, but just be warned it may hurt like hell. You’ve just pushed a baby out of your vag and thats going to leave you a little sore.

Take a jug of water with you for when you have a wee and pour it over your bits, it really does help.

Now your first poo is going to either feel like you are having another baby or your insides are falling out. Don’t worry they’re not, Unless you have plies that is.

3. Blood

You will bleed like you’ve never bled before. You will have to wear big granny pants and the biggest sanitary pad you have ever seen. Well you may have seen one before if you every had to go to the school office for a sanitary towel.

4. Hey cowboy

You will most probably be walking like John Wayne for a while and sitting down will but rather uncomfortable. I can’t help you with the walking but I can suggest a child’s blow up rubber ring to sit on (thank me later).

5. milk

Much to your partners delight, you boobs will almost triple in size. Unfortunately they will be so sore that if he went anywhere near them you would punch his lights out.

Yes, if you’re breast feeding or bottle feeding they are going to hurt. You can relieve some of the pain by feeding baby or expressing. However if you are bottle feeding DO NOT express any, yes it will relieve the pain, but it will only be temporary and will take longer for your milk to dry up.

As if breast feeding wasn’t hard enough, you may experience the joys of cracked of sore nipples! Get plenty of nipple cream and some nipple shields (you can guarantee you will keep loosing them so best to get a few).

If you, for whatever reason, are not breast feeding, buy a Savoy cabbage, keep it in the fridge, break a leaf off and put one in bra for both boobs. I’ve no idea why it works, but it dose help to relieve the pain.

6. Baby’s bits

Babies bits are often very swollen. Boys nuggets will be massive, don’t worry though, they wont stay like that, the swelling will eventually go down. Boys as well as girls may even have little boobs. Again this is down to hormones and will eventually go down.

While we are on the subject of hormones, baby girls can sometimes have a little bit of bloody discharge – a mini period but his is nothing to worry about, its just all the hormones from mum going around their little systems and will soon settle down.

7. Tummy

Your tummy will now look like a slowly deflating ballon. Don’t worry thats perfectly normal. Don’t do what I did and take in normal clothes to leave the hospital. Stick to your comfy maternity wear.

8. Sex

OMG, almost straight after giving birth the midwives are talking to you about contraception. Like lady, i’ve just pushed a baby out less than 3 hours ago. He aint coming near me for the next 20 years!

But apparently, a midwife friend of mine has said they have caught people having sex, like 20 mins after birth. Come on, the last thing on your mind is having sex surly!

There is going to come a point where you feel ready to get back in the sack. Just take things nice and slowly and try and relax.

9. Home time

The hospital will want to send you home as soon as possible. Now that you have had you bundle of joy, they will check you both over and want to send you on your way. Stay put until you feel ready to go. Make sure you have all the advice you need before you go, because once at home your baby will expect you to know everything.

10. Wonder woman

Stop worrying. You are not wonder woman, you cant do everything. Let people help you when they offer. Leave the dishes, leave the dust bunnies under the sofa and just relax. You will have enough to worry about making sure your tiny human is looked after.